Adobe's Latest Merger

[gare]

July 1, 2005 (API-Associated Press Imposter) Byline Susan Knorr-
San Jose, CA.- Adobe Systems, Inc., in an effort to shore market share for the home, announced yet another stunning acquisition-America?s home store, K-Mart. CEO Bruce Chizen said, ?It?s a natural merger, and brings us closer to realizing our dream of making Adobe a household brand.? The estimated 16.7 billion purchase will include all K-Mart department stores in the U.S., along with the Sears outlets which K-Mart acquired this spring.

What will this mean to consumers? As Adobe Senior Market Executive Mark Flood puts it, ?We anticipate a smooth transition. Of course, we have one or two minor wrinkles to iron out--the new name of the company will be A-mart, and we need to restructure some in-place pricing, but other than that, we feel strongly that the public will embrace the innovative qualities of Adobe management merged with the reputation for quality merchandise that is the hallmark of K-Mart/Sears.?

Flood continued to outline the merger plans. K-Mart?s Customer Service Department will now be handled through email, the Complaints Department will be renamed the New Features and Enhancements Department, and merchandise exchanges will be expedited through user-friendly wizards. A new Software Department will be added to complement the existing Hardware stores, and the familiar Craftsman orange trademark color will be toned down to a more sophisticated mauve. Other, overlapping hardware will be outsourced to Intel. Kenmore appliances will also get a facelift, according to Flood. Washers and driers will sport a clean, bi-platform interface, with new Laundry and Detergent palettes, and a Batch Clean command is rumored to be the works. Minimum system requirements have not been discussed.

The Cheryl Tiegs and Martha Stewart Collections will be released in 32-bit color, and Arnold Palmer, the namesake of the Sears sports line, will be take up encouraged to polo, eschewing his favorite pastime for a sport more international in appeal.

Gone, too, will be the snack bar, being replaced with a cafe, complete with latte machine, and comestibles featuring brie, Beef Wellington tips, humus, and chai.

The famous Blue Light Special will become the Red Light special, and K-Mart aprons will now be tailored in red, with white and black accents. Adobe plans to merge down the existing Camera and Paint Departments, and the Sears line of lawnmowers will be simplified to the Mow tool. The Sporting Goods Department will highlight paintgun balls in PANTONE colors, and Smart Catch tools will be added to the line of rods and lures. The Toy Department will be expanded to include Macromedia FireWorks and GoLive.

?We?re toying with valet parking?, Flood told us, ?but we really need beta testers to handle the licenses and Authorization.?

Given the green light by the FTC, the merger could happen as early as first quarter 2007; speculators are pondering whether Microsoft, the Redmond-based competitor to Adobe Systems has plans for acquiring the Target chain of discount stores as a marketing response.

[Raven]

Ya got me! The first sentence had me stunned, thinking "what the....." [confused] Ah, but it's sad about what's going on with Adobe at times...
Great spoof Gare!

[SCync]

Funny stuff Gare. I just hope you haven't planted a seed in Bruce Chizen's mind.

[Welles]

By Jove, it's July Fools Day. 8D

[Nikkie]

Welles...

but....believe me when i'll ever find this logo on my computer i'll emigrate to the Fiji Islands...

AH stands for Albert Heijn : a home store with a chain of stores all over the world.


Nikkie ;)

[gare]

Nikkie--

It's too late, I think...

-g-

[Nikkie]

Gare!!! :}


Nikkie

[Raven]

:B We're doomed! :(|

[nitrobutler]

It was a hoax? Man I was eating it up :}