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Read new jokes everyday, also post your jokes here.


sanaya

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There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: 'I love you, sweetheart.'

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one...

10. Who is this?
:)
 

Tom Mann

Guru
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LOL! That was very funny! Thanks for making me smile.

Now, I've got one for you:

A woman joined a really techie Internet discussion forum devoted to Photoshop. The first thing she posts is a great joke.

What's next?

T
 

sanaya

Member
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Lols that was a very funny joke from you and I understood it clearly.

Wanna know what the women is going to do next?

She is going to use the off topic section of the really techie forum to post jokes only....just to bring another smile on the face of the photography section moderator and the members also.

This is the best thing about off-topic section. Brings the real you outside. I hope my thread gets a good response and I get to read many jokes from other members too.

Here is one more for you

A couple watching an IPL match on the TV together.

After five minutes:

Wife: Is that Bret Lee?
Husband: No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.

Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother.
Husband: He does not have an actor brother.

Wife: What about Bruce Lee?
Husband: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian.

Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.
Husband: No. It is called action replay.

Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.
Husband: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta.

Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter.
Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter. It's a free hit.
Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a Free Hit?

Wife: Now whom is he saying 'HI' to?
Husband: He is signalling a 'Bye'.
Wife: Why is he saying 'Bye. Is the game over?

Wife: How many runs to win?
Husband: 72 in 36 balls
Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball.

Frustrated husband turns off the TV.

Wife turns it on and watches the famous Hindi soap 'Saraswasti Chandra'.
Husband: Who is this Saraswati Chandra?

Wife: Don't you dare disturb me...
 

Tom Mann

Guru
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Sound like a very nice plan and you've already brought a smile to our faces, but, don't forget, if you have any photographic / photoshop interests, don't hesitate to jump over to other forums!

Cheers,

Tom
 

Steve

Retired Administrator
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Arriving in heaven


All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."
 

Tom Mann

Guru
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I love the punch line, Steve. I had no idea where it was going until the last moment, which is the way a good joke should be. Well done!

T
 

Steve

Retired Administrator
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I love the punch line, Steve. I had no idea where it was going until the last moment, which is the way a good joke should be. Well done!

T
I'm proud to say many of my friends actually use the internet for the REAL purpose it was designed for, to pass along jokes.
I don't usually do it myself (really) but this is one a friend sent that I thought was funny.
 

sanaya

Member
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8
Steve You really made my day with your joke:)

Women send text to their husbands

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: 'I love you, sweetheart.'

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming????????

8. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

9. Who is this?

And the best one...

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
 

sanaya

Member
Messages
13
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8
The biggest fan of facebook

Teacher: What will you do when you grow up ?
Student: Facebooking

Teacher: I mean your job?
Student: I will be the admin of Facebook pages.

Teacher: OH, I mean what will you achieve in life?
Student: Facebook Admin Rights.

Teacher: IDIOT! I mean to say what will you do for your parents?
Student:I will create a page on Facebook 'I MOM & DAD'

Teacher: Stupid! What does your father want from you ?
Student: Password of my Facebook account.

Teacher: Oh God, Have you set any goal for yourself?
Student: Facebook, but never Face your Book.
 

sanaya

Member
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Peter's birthday

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.

As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.

In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."

Peter happily agreed.

They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"

Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." He nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, his mother in law, father i law, other relatives, dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And Peter just sat there... On the couch

Naked....
 

sanaya

Member
Messages
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8
Automated car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my children from school."

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said, "Here are your children sir."

In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbour’s two sons.

The Wife said, "Don't tell me! Are these your children?"

The man asked her calmly, "And you first tell me why our children are not in the car?
 

sanaya

Member
Messages
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8
Romantic wife vs non-romantic hubby

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please, advice.
 

sanaya

Member
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The Golden Bar


A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where have you been all night?" she demands.


"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Bar. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.


"Is this the Golden Bar?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
 

sanaya

Member
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Funeral of a cardiologist

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life.

A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral…

I'm a gynaecologist."
 

sanaya

Member
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant… “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that ass...., and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
 

sanaya

Member
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Pretend as married

A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.


At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."


"i have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."


"wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.


"good," she replied. "get your own ******* blanket."
 

sanaya

Member
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Two huntersTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

You can post all the jokes you want, however:
"You are allowed to put a link to your personal or professional website, portfolio, or other site RELATED in some way to Photoshop or any kind of visual design."
You can read that in the rules for this site.
 
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